Friday, September 30, 2011

Fancy Man with the Hat

One day, in Teletubby Land, justGeorge decided to wear a stupid hat.

So he tried.

But this was no ordinary, stupid hat. This was the magical-stoopid-person-with-no-brains-hat. This was a paradox. If justGeorge wanted to wear the magical-stoopid-person-with-no-brains-hat, he'd have to lose his brains. But this was simply impossible. His brains were immovable. They would not be budged.

Also, there was another dilemma: justGeorge's will was unstoppable. Therefore, it was impossible for justGeorge to NOT wear the hat. But, then again, it was impossible for justGeorge to wear the hat at all.

So justGeorge was in the middle of an only theorized situation: what would happen if an immovable force meets an unstopable object? Time seemed to slow to a crawl as justGeorge was about to put on the hat. Jeers and scorners stood from the sidelines and laughed at justGeorge.

"Ha! You don't have any brains, so you'll be able to put the stupid hat on!"

Another voice taunted him as well.

"It's impossible for your will to be so strong that you defy laws of physics!"

justGeorge would not listen to them. He had the determination of steel, (steel that actually has determination, and a lot of it, not just a lump of metal) and he wasn't backing down.

Just before the hat reached his head, justGeorge had a thought.

I could potentially destroy the world with my shenanegans. I need to sacrifice my will for the good of humanity.

But it was too late.

justGeorge was just one molecule of space away from touching the hat with his head.

Suddenly a bright light shown from heaven. Bruce Lee came down on the wings of angels and softly landed on the ground in front of justGeorge. Time froze in that instant. Helpless, justGeorge tried to pry himself from his current time-space but to no avail - he was trapped.

Bruce Lee scowled at justGeorge for even attempting something so foolish. After staring justGeorge down for what felt like thirty seconds (but was actually 0 seconds because of the time freeze) he kicked justGeorge in the face, and unfroze time.

justGeorge flew back 3.2754 meters and grabbed his head in pain. He had not expected that Bruce Lee would enforce his "no paradox" rule, but it was too late. justGeorge had already been kicked in the face.

But wait.

If Bruce Lee could stop time, couldn't he make himself go backwards in time as well? justGeorge hoped that this was true because he came up with another plan.

"Hey!" he shouted at the four-foot martial artist, "C'mere and do a backflip. That'll show you're a man, not kicking poor white guys."

Bruce Lee was enraged. He did a 30-flip backflip in the air. As justGeorge predicted, the world started to spin. Everyone's vision became blurry. The world faded out of view.

Suddenly the world was 30 seconds younger. justGeorge prepared himself. With one hand he still held the magical-stoopid-person-with-no-brains-hat and with his other hand he held it out like a fist. justGeorge started to put on the hat again.

As predicted, Bruce Lee decended from heaven, but in the same location that he did before. This was his mistake. Even though Bruce Lee stopped time, justGeorges fist was still suspended in midair, waiting to strike. Bruce Lee ran his face in justGeorge's fist.

Bruce cried out and let time flow normally. justGeorge ran off toward the mountains. But Bruce wouldn't let him go that easily.

Bruce did a 55-forward-flip in the air. Just before touching the ground, justGeorge saw his plan and stuck out his elbow. Suddenly 55 seconds of time disappeared in an instant. justGeorge was standing over Bruce Lee victoriously.

Bruce Lee had ran into justGeorge's elbow and had killed himself in a non-existant moment of time.

So technically Bruce Lee never died, but is dead right now.

justGeorge shrugged. T'wernt his problem to clean up the mess. Besides, he should have learned his lesson from martial arts movies: never cheat when fighting.

The End


justGeorge said...

Yeah, the hat disappeared in heat of battle.

I'm sad that I never got to wear it.

Kyle Muffin said...

That was long.