Tuesday, May 3, 2011

Lon Lon Ranch

I was playing mini golf happily. I had just gotten a hole in one. It didn't even matter if I put the ball in the wrong hole. All that mattered was that I was winning. I had breezed past all of the weirdos, each of them terrible golf players. I'd seen their score cards. I was ahead of all of them by at least 50 points each.

I was whistling my favorite racist tune of "Zip Dee Do Dah" to myself, minding my own business. Then all of a sudden, an ugly person stood in front of me. I screamed in horror.

His face looked freakish, like an alien or something. He had two eyes, each having the same color. His nose had two nostrils which sucked in air like a vacuum. His hands had four fingers and a thumb. None of his fingers were the same length, and they seemed to move independently. His ears were on opposite sides of his head, and were around the same size.

He opened his mouth, as if to speak, but all that came out were nonsensical English statements.

"Ya know yer not supposed to touch deh ball with your hands, right? Yer supposed to use deh golf club."

Then I realized he was just a run-away clown. He was trying to entertain me with his gibberish. I was going to walk away laughing, but then a funny thought came in to my head. What if I captured this clown and used him as my personal entertainer?

I laughed maniacally at this wonderful thought. Then I started muttering to myself about funny clowns. The ugly freak started to show signs of confusion. I decided to act now before this clown ran again. So I decided to trick the funny guy to getting into my stalker car.

"Hey, buddy. Ya want some candy? I got some nice candy in the car."

The freak just stared at me, like I had just said something rediculous. I decided to try something else. I started shouting as if I were advertising for something.

"FREE!! FREE MONEY!!"

Suddenly I was stamped and trampled underfoot by a crowd of crazy people. They all piled into my black van, all chattering excitedly about savings.

I closed and blockaded the doors to my van. Then I painted the whole thing bright colors and put the words: "Circus of Freaks" on it. Then I drove around the city, collecting money from curious people. I would park the van and let all of the little boys and girls look inside. Everyone would laugh and point at the idiots inside.

After making millions on my freak show, I let the people go and ran off into the sunset, carrying fake million-dollar bills in my pocket.

In case you haven't noticed, the story had nothing to do with the title. I just decided to go with the first set of words that popped into my head.

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