Saturday, April 30, 2011

Chuck Norris vs. Ninja

A long, long time ago in a galaxy far, far away...

In the beginning, the world was without form. The only thing that existed was Chuck Norris.

One day, Chuck Norris said, "Let there be fight, and there was fight." And Chuck Norris saw the fight, and saw that it was good. A ninja had appeared, suspended in space.

Then Chuck Norris said, "Let there be a battlefield," and the Earth came to be.

Then Chuck Norris said, "Let there be water, food and air to keep this ninja alive." then there was.

Then Chuck Norris rested, because creating the universe is very difficult. But he had succeeded in beating God at forming a universe, it took him only three days to complete it. God had taken six. But, God didn't mind too much that he was beaten. After all, he didn't want to make Chuck Norris angry.

So Chuck Norris prepared himself for his battle with the ninja. Training night and day, he made perfection even more perfect. (This is the only time this has ever occured in history, beating perfection.)

After a few days of training, he was ready.

The ninja and Chuck Norris stood across from eachother in the middle of the battlefield.

The battle began.

Chuck Norris grabbed a book from his trusty backpack and started reading it outloud.

"Instead of turning on the lights, I turn off the dark."

"I'm not afraid of the dark, it's afraid of me."

"I don't wear a watch, I decide what time it is."

"I put the 'laughter' in 'manslaughter'"

"I can drown a fish."

"Only I can unscramble an egg."

"My blood type is AK-47."

"I can make a snowman out of rain."

"I don't cheat death, I win fair-and-square."

"I don't only eat nails, I grocery shop at Home Depot."

"I even beat the sun in a staring contest!"

Suddenly the ninja was in front of him. With lightning speed, Chuck Norris was on the ground writhing in pain.

Chuck Norris sat up, confused.

"Who are you?" he asked.

The ninja took off his mask. Chuck Norris gasped and muttered to himself, "Of course... shoulda known..."

The ninja was Bruce Lee.

From that day forward, Chuck Norris decided to allow God to create the humans and animals, just cuz slow 'n' steady wins the race to God-ness.

Chuck Norris became a semi-mortal from that day forward. Living in Cerulean Cave, he awaits a worthy challenger.



Jokes are courtesy of this website: http://chucknorrisjokes.linkpress.info/top-100.php

I really couldn't have remembered that many jokes anyway.

Beedrill

Gimmick Beedrill


Ability: Sniper

Item: Red Card / Focus Sash



U-Turn
Knock-Off
Endeavor
Toxic Spikes




Attacking Beedrill


Ability: Swarm

Item: Life Orb / Focus Sash



X-Scissor
Poison Jab
Swords Dance
Toxic Spikes




Pure Poison Beedrill


Ability: Sniper

Item: Black Sludge



Toxic
Toxic Spikes
Substitute
Protect





The biggest draw for Beedrill is Toxic Spikes, and its ability to poison the opponents whole entire team if Beedrill is your lead. Don't hesitate to slap some gimmicks on this guy, throw off the competition. Training should concentrate on speed for this one. A slow Beedrill is a dead Beedrill. It's a good idea to give him a Focus Sash, just so that this bug isn't swatted away too quickly.

E = mc^2

I've just discovered how to use this equation in everyday life. First I will explain what it means.

The "E" stands for emmortality. Y'know, there are the mortals and the emmortals. Emmortality is goal of mortals.

"M" stands for mystery. This is just a variable you can plug into the equation.

"C squared" stands for the volume of any magical cube.

So, if we were to apply this to everyday living, we would have a lot of emmortals. Never again shall we die, as long as if we have a magical cube (with a defined volume) and know the mystery.

I have both the knowledge and the cube. Nothing can stop me now.

How does this apply to your everyday life? Well, now you are all under my control. Nothing can defeat me. So, starting this very moment, you all are going to collect Pokemon cards for me and put them in a nice, neat pile for me to eat. (I do get nutrition from cards, it's a stomach condition called cardalactix)

Then, I decree that everyone will declare bankruptcy and give me all of their possessions. That way I can evenly distribute all of the wealth. Thereafter, I will create the ideal utopia, making everyone live in peace.

Anyone who challenges me... well... there's not much I can do. Just because I'm emmortal doesn't mean I'm immortal.

*sigh*

Well, I guess I'll go play video games until everyone starts giving me free stuff.

Friday, April 29, 2011

Butterfree

Basic Butterfree

Ability: Compound Eyes

Item: Focus Sash



Bug Buzz
Psychic
Sleep Powder
Quiver Dance




Sweeping Butterfree


Ability: Tinted Lens

Item: Life Orb



Bug Buzz
Psychic
Sleep Powder
Quiver Dance




Choice Scarf Butterfree


Ability: Compound Eyes

Item: Choice Scarf (duh)



U-Turn
Stun Spore
Sleep Powder
Attract





The increased accuracy with Compound Eyes is extremely helpful. In fact, Tinted Lens helps as well, making it difficult to switch against. Generally Butterfree is a status monster, and perhaps boost her stats to rediculous levels with Quiver Dance. Her base stats make her unusuable without being in a low-tier league or just being lucky. Have fun with this little butterfly, see what you can do with it.

Blastoise

Basic Special Attacker Blastoise


Ability: Rain Dish

Item: Leftovers



Surf / Water Spout
Ice Beam
Focus Blast / Hidden Power (electric)
Rain Dance




Physical Blastoise


Ability: Torrent

Item: Life Orb / Choice Band / Cell Battery



Waterfall
Ice Punch
Earthquake
Outrage




Wobbuffet Imitation Blastoise


Ability: Rain Dish

Item: Leftovers



Counter
Mirror Coat
Aqua Ring / Dive / Rapid Spin
Rain Dance





Blastoise. How unfortunate that he has to use firefighting equipment to even survive on the field. It can't really tank anything that's well-prepared. It can't strike too much fear in the opponents' hearts. It can survive a non-supereffective attack, and hopefully attack again. Ah... if only one of its stats stood out.

Thursday, April 28, 2011

Charizard

Ecofriendly Solar-powered Charizard


Ability: Solar Power

Item: Heat Rock



Flamethrower / Heat Wave / Fire Blast / Overheat
Solarbeam
Air Slash
Sunny Day




Tribal Belly Drummer Charizard


Ability: Blaze

Item: Salac Berry




Fire Punch
Earthquake
Substitute
Belly Drum




Do anything to dish damage Charizard


Ability: Blaze

Item: Life Orb / Focus Sash



Overheat
Earthquake
Outrage
Counter / Thunder Punch





Charizard, still cool looking. Awesome shiny form. For a starter, it's pretty good. It's not like Infernape, but it's in good shape. Besides, it's got Belly Drum. Maybe you'll get lucky and be able to set up the monster (though it rarely works). No one expects Counter on Charizard. You can score quite a few suprise KO's with counter (and a focus sash).

Venusaur

Stall Venusaur

Ability: Chlorophyll

Item: Black Sludge




Leech Seed
Substitute
Protect
Sludge Bomb / Sleep Powder




Stat Stalling Venusaur


Ability: Overgrow

Item: Black Sludge



Curse
Amnesia
Double Team / Leech Seed
Substitute




Physical Venusaur


Ability: Chlorophyll

Item: Life Orb



Seed Bomb / Power Whip
Earthquake
Sleep Powder / Outrage
Swords Dance




Special Venusaur


Ability: Chlorophyll

Item: Life Orb



Leaf Storm
Sludge Bomb
Hidden Power (rock)
Sleep Powder





Generally Venusaur can be fun to use. Not especially shining, (except luck sleep powder attacks) giving him gimmick moves often. Leaf Storm is your most powerful move to consider. If only this guy could learn Toxic Spikes, it'd become kinda cool. Right now, he's just a walking fruit.

Wednesday, April 27, 2011

Hi (again)

Hi

Time for me to do my cool prophesy thing!

I predict that tomorrow the sun will come up. Then it will become brighter. Then the sun will slowly disappear in the opposite direction. Then it will become darker.

zzzzzZZZZZZzzzzzz

The sound a bug makes when it flies around.








I just thought that the "Bug" category of my blog was getting lonely.

Monday, April 25, 2011

Fluffy Land

Once upon a time there was a magical kindom called Fluffy Land. In this land, little mareeps roamed free. The magikarp were flopping around, undisturbed. The muks slopped around in the sewers. The clefaries bounced, saying their name a lot. A pikachu was zapping a crazy team of spacemen (Team Rocket I think they're called?). The Glooms smelled everthing up, and the geodudes levitated on some sort of mysterious energy (even though they weigh 44.2 lbs or 20.0 kg while only being 1'4" or .4 meters tall).

The squirtles swam in swampy streams. The charmanders checked choice chimichongas for chicken chili chunks. The bulbasaurs baked broken biscuits bitterly.

That is until one day...

A shadow stretched over the land, crushing everything in its path. Its name... was Snorlax.

After snacking on Snickers, Snorlax snoozed. While dreaming about hating everyone, it was tossing and turning in its sleep. This would have been fine if it weren't for the fact that Snorlax was crushing the cute, innocent little mareeps around him.

Unable to ignore this large problem, they attempted to escape. That's when things got crazy.

Snorlax started sleepwalking, stealthfully and sneakily stalking the stuck sheep. The little lambs lalloped, not liking the liability of their laughable lives. Too bad. Snorlax struck and stamped the stampeding sheep, shutting off their spinal system, squashing the small shreds of survivability too easily snatched.

At least, that's what happened in Snorlax's dream. Under the dilusion that it was being under attack, it dreamed that it squished Mary's little lambs. But what really happened was this:

Snorlax snuggled in, smiling. Suddenly Snorlax screamed and scratched and slashed the scared sheep. The maurauding mareeps masterfully made the monster miss. The result was a raging ruffian rat, running after the rediculously rare ruminants.

But, after a few steps he got tired and went back to sleep. Later the round rascal rambled regarding the running ruminants, regurgitating rediculous rants. Luckily, the little, lovable lamps lived longer than the lard-lake.

Friday, April 22, 2011

Ye Olde Ma Fia

Ma Fia grabbed her trusty sniper rifle and aimed it from the window. The target: justGeorge.

She squinted in the distance then continued to stare through her scope. She bit her lip in concentration. If this failed, she would have to use extreme measures.

justGeorge waddling around his cardboard box as if he had nothing better to do. He was grinning happily and muttering to himself something about fiber. With random, jerky movements he would travel around his home in unusual zig-zag patterns. This would make it almost impossible for him to be hit accurately, even for an expert sniper like Ma Fia.

"That fiend," she muttered under her breath, still trying to aim the rifle, "Try and steal MY publicity will ya? I'll teach you soon enough."

She grabbed the nearest bag of potato chips, ripped it open, then poured it contents into her giant mouth.

Then, with her mouth full of food (don't be this impolite at home, kids) she said, "There's only room for one shoplifter in this town. Besides, there's a huge bounty on your head and it's growing by the second."

Then she laughed, spraying spittle and unhealthy snack food everywhere.

Meanwhile, justGeorge was burning some trash, and talking to himself again.

"Y'know, I think you're the best thing since sliced bread, justGeorge."

"Well, I'm not going to disagree with you. It's never been proven that's anyone greater as of yet."

"How do you do it, justGeorge? I mean, you own, you pwn, and you phone the White House. There's got to be some sort of secret you possess that makes you greater than the rest."

"There is no secret. I've just got skillZ (with a capital z that rhymes with p and that stands for pwn)."

"Wow. The rumors are true."

"Rumors?"

"Yeah, rumors that you are Chuck Norris' son."

"Heh, justGeorge, I'm not Chuck Norris' son, I'm one of Chuck Norris' two weaknesses (the other being Bruce Lee)."

"Cooooool"

"Totally"

Suddenly a shot is heard around the world. Slowed down like the Matrix, justGeorge dodges the sneak attack by Ma Fia. Easily dodging the bullet and all of the debris, he dashes off with his cardboard box. Screaming profanities behind him, he rushes off to another part of town to be a crazy person in peace.

Ma Fia screams like a banshee and starts firing wildly, hoping to hit one of her greatest enemies by luck. Too bad she has only bad luck (and justGeorge has all of the good luck). All of her shots missed their target.

However, she did manage to fire a bullet at a nearby building (Irony Inc.) which bounced off the side of it and straight back toward Ma Fia. This bullet hit the chandelier, making it fall. This sent off a chain reaction, sending one of her throwing knives to hit the security alarm button. This instantly made all of the windows start to close.

Ma Fia was hanging out of the window at the time. She tried to go back inside, but realized she was stuck too late. She was too fat to go back inside. The window closed on her, trapping her there for the next couple of hours. She was able to escape with the help of a few of her connections, scathed but not scarred.

She vowed to someday finish the job she had started. This time, using her secret weapon...

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

I'm Stuck

I've been in the Molasis Swamp for 38 turns. There seems to be no way out. I'm giving up. I want the game to end. I just want it all to end. I want to end the terrible suffering, waiting for a stupid yellow card.

I was so close to victory too. If only I hadn't had such bad luck... If only I had cheated in this child's game...

Grrr.

My stupid blue person is standing there smiling like an idiot. I HATE HIM. I hope he stays there for all I care. Why does he have to stand there with his arms stretched out like a gingerbread man smirking at me?

(signs that justGeorge is on the verge of mental breakdown)

I'M ANGRY!!

(grabs the blue character and snaps it in half)

There. Now I win. No one can take away my victory now. I was the closest. So I win.

(laughs maniacally)

What are ya gonna do now, Princess Lolly? Huh? Watcha gonna do? OoooOOOooh I'm so scared.

(laughs and runs off, leaving the gameboard behind)

I'm the winner! I'm the winner! Me! Me!

(suddenly collects himself, walks back to the game, and picks up the red character)

Well, I guess I'll just play for second place.

(grabs a card, then moves)

Heh, this is kinda fun. I think I'll.... uh oh.

(realizes that the red character is now in the Molasis Swamp as well)

(starts swearing)

Saturday, April 16, 2011

Tum Tum Tree

Y'know, 'twas brilliant, and the lithe tombs did wire and grumble in waves. All flimsy were the burrow-groves and the blue grass outrage.

Just thought you should know, in case anyone asks you.

Do you know how the security at airports always ask you whether or not someone's given you a mysterious package? Well, one time I calmly explained that a guy in a trench coat gave me a package to carry on the plane.

Then I pulled out my jack-in-the-box and startled everyone there.

Apparently the security guards can't take a joke.

They must have had a traumatic experience with a jack-in-the-box as a child. It certainly wasn't my fault that their alter-ego, Batman was afraid of Jokers.

I'm done complaining. After searching through my stuff and finding about 80 pounds of marijuana in my suitcase, I had to pull off another throw-a-chair-out-the-window-and-jump-out-right-after-it-escape-plot. It didn't really require that much planning.

Ahh... just thinking about this story brings back bitter-sweet memories. It brings in the thrill of escaping the law again, and the bitter memory of losing hundred of thousands of dollars of drugs again.

On the plus side, I was able to easily harvest some more from old farmer Maggot right outside Hobbiton. He's a nice guy... a little ugly, and has a very large temper (especially when I steal his stuff), but generally an all-around nice guy.

Hey.... my teeth feel funny.

Mmmmm.... my teeth are tasty.

Daff duff gwate. I guff aye mah feef. Mao ooh won be abuh duh uduhfam me.

(uses rewind button)

Ahh... that's better. Now what was I saying before...?

Oh yeah!

The End

Monday, April 11, 2011

Another Dumb Post

Duh........................................

Friday, April 8, 2011

Black Friday, Rebecca Black Friday

Seven AM and I wake up to a new day.
Look out my window and realize it's raining

Get drenched and wait at the bus stop
My friends in their car are driving...

away!

It's Friday, Friday. Had to get up on Friday
Then I'll work at Party 'n' Party USA

(repeat)

Bus was twenty minutes late, got a cold too
Teacher counted me tardy cuz she hates her life

For lunch I had toxic waste, for gym I had to run all day
Had to serve two detentions at the same time!

Can I handle all this strife?


Too bad it's

Friday, Friday. Had to get up on Friday.
There's no party'n' (cheer)
No party'n' (cheer)
No party'n' for a whole 'nuther week!

Cuz I'm serving 60 detentions for being late one time!

And it's

Friday, Friday. Had to get up on Friday.
There's no party'n' (cheer)
No party'n' (cheer)
No party'n' for the rest of my life.



This is not actually a parody of "Friday" by Rebecca Black. Please don't assume that is true. I legit wrote this a couple years before. Also, the word "gullible" is written twice in this song.

Monday, April 4, 2011

Hum Tum

Well nothing much to say here. I'm just writing this so that I won't be bored. Maybe I'll talk about something cool like bubbles... yeah I think I'll do that.

As soon as I'm a crazy person.

But I'm not a crazy person.

(twitch) (short seizure)


Well. That's the end. I'm running out of ideas or something. Maybe I'll do another story about running away from the law soon, as soon as I get the rights to do so.