Sunday, January 31, 2010

Sorry! (The Game)

I lost the game.

Also, I haven't posted in a while, as I'm sure all three of you have noticed. I have a good excuse... uh... reason for this. I was trapped in a jungle of french bread. You probably don't believe me, but that's OK ye of little faith. I can however, describe it to you. All trees were completely edible, aside from the animals living in them.

Inside of the trees were a few jungle elves who spoke as if they were on Lord of the Rings. I was only able to communicate with them with my fluent Gibberish (which I took four years of in high school).

In case you're wondering, I was in the man scouts in survival training camp. Some camp counselors thought it was funny to leave me in The-deep-dark-forest-land all by myself. I thought it was suspicious that they were goose-stepping.

I managed to escape with my life from the evil SimCity Developers who were trying to destroy the jungle in place of a city. I tricked them into thinking I was an endangered species, so that means it's not OK to kill me (versus a not-endangered species such as human).

I'm so clever.

At least it wasn't the Civilization developers, that's all I can say.

So now I'm back to regular society, where everyone sits at computers playing video games or... stuff.





















the end

Monday, January 25, 2010

Ties are Designed for Strangling

I went to a formal White House party, without the FBI knowing. Apparently Obama got really angry after finding out. He chucked a few throwing stars he pulled out of his fancy suit. No one told me Obama would be armed.

I finally put my Tai Chi to good use. I dodged all the stars, and ran out of the White House, making sure to grab the Constitution and the Magna Carta. They never could find me because I hid in a bush (Thank God for George Bush). While the helicopters flew overhead, I ate the documents (no more evidence).

Why am I telling you this? So you'll know what happened when all the tourism to the White House is cut off. They're afraid people will see that the Constitution is gone.

Menwhile, I've created a fortess out of Tinkertoys to prevent the Secret Service from visiting. Apparently Tinkertoys are flame-resistant, elecricity-resistant, and tear-gas-resistant. The only thing stronger than Tinkertoys are Lincoln Logs. I don't have a good enough job for that though (apparently Narcissism doesn't pay that well). Lincoln Logs cost about $20.00 per fluid ounce whyle Tinkertoys cost only one shoplifting. After all, everyone knows that it's most difficult to shoplift from a magazine catalogue. You'd have to order it, receive it, and then steal it from yourself. That's no fun.

Besides, I don't order from those catalogues because all it takes is about 100 Pikmin to carry off your packages right off your front porch. I prefer to buy my stuff with three dollar bills.

Anyway, if you see a flying fortress of Tinkertoys, just call me.

Monday, January 18, 2010

I Hate Murphy

Poodle Puddles, I'm mad. I went and broke Murphy's Law.

Oops I did it again.

All old pop songs aside, my hate for Murphy still grows. I need some booze. Too bad it's not Friday night. Besides, my gangsta friends would get mad if I stole their Bud Light.

Speaking of getting drunk, today I got all seven seasons of Berny the Rhinosaur.

I love you
You love me
Why can't we all
just agree with me?

With religious tolerance
and Philosophy

Won't you say you love everyone too?

I didn't get all those episodes for my enjoyment. I got them to annoy my neighbors who are constantly peeking through my window for kicks. Obviously Berny the Rhinosaur is to stalkers as garlic is to vampires. Berny isn't completely useless. I heard the US government (not the U.S. government, the US government, there's actually a difference) uses Berny to torture terrorists.

Well, I guess I'm out of steam. It doesn't take many paragraphs of blogging to calm me down. So, I'm done.

The End


Bye Bye

Best Buy

Friday, January 8, 2010

Z Snap

Beards and Bread sticks, what are you talking about? Don't you know that Barney the Dinosaur can totally squash Armaldo, even without his suit.

(realizing he's on a kids show)

Oh! Hi! I was just yelling at a useless employee.
(To employee) You're fired!
Anyway, today we're going to learn about our solar system.

(gestures at obviously fake planet hanging from the ceiling)

This is the planet Earth, where we live.
And this is a photo of our planet as seen from space.

(gestures at fake planet)

Now our Earth is huge! Bigger than your house, your yard, your city, even... even... YOUR MOM!!

(a few eyebrows are raised, a few TV viewers elbowing each other)

But this Earth is only a little green been compared to the Thanksgiving Feast known as the universe.
If Earth was this size...

(gesture at skinny kid playing video games)

Then the universe would be this size!

(gestures at obese employee who was tricked into standing in the spotlight)

There are nine-

(everyone interupts) Eight! Pluto isn't a planet!

(clears throat) - eight reasons why I'm awesome. Apparently Pluto, Mickey Mouse's dog isn't a planet.

(rereads the script, he scratches his head and sighs)


Monday, January 4, 2010

Falcon Punch

I went to the library and saw a few children's stories. Read them and tell me what you think:

Once upon a time there was a story. This is it.

The End

Once upon a time there was another story. This isn't it.

The End

Once upon a time there was a castle. The castle has nothing to do with the story though.

The End

Yea, I think the publishers are pretty desperate. I could write better books than these. I think the quality has gone down severely after I was a kid. Most kids books today are all about brainwashing children with political messages. I remember a time where children's books were at least 700 pages long, no pictures. Now the only thing good about those books ARE the pictures. Man, what a let-down.

All complaining aside, my trip to the library was fascinating. I was able to kick some fat person with a flowing beard off "his" computer. "His" with a capital H that rhymes with... uh... something that stands for online gambling. He stinks at Poker by the way.

While the librarians and bearded person were arguing, I was able to research all about people who pick other people's noses for money. It actually pays quite well. The only problem is that they're really low in society. Somewhere between common thief and a laboratory mouse that wants to take over the world.

Speaking of bathrooms, I just went to one the other day.

That made me think of a good children's story I could write about going to the bathroom. Here it is:


The End

I'm thinking of who the illustrator should be. The best situation would be someone with absolutely no sense of humor that draws the poop to scale with the toilet. I'm hoping for scientific labels and a little green texture.

So, comment about this book. I'm still thinking of a title.

Friday, January 1, 2010

Head, Shoulders, Knees, and Nose

I got a nose.

You don't got a nose.

Well, it's New Years. It's the time where everyone tries to lose three pounds before they give up on their diets. This is also the time of year where I'll tell you my New Years Resolutions. I've resolved to solve the resolutions of resolution-making drunkards who pass out before midnight. I'll resolve the solution to the resolutions of reresolutions rereresolutionifying (I'll let you look up that last word) the resolves of man resolving to solve the problems like poor resolution-making skills. These resolution-making skills are the solutions to the resolutions to poor rerereresolution-making after the rereresolution solve themselves, thereby undoing the original work done to resolve the undecided reslolutions of the original solution.

I'll give you a few minutes to re-read that paragraph and let you resolve (or reresolve) to increase your prefix vocabulary.

Bobo likes Cheetoes.

Sorry about that. That was one of my followers (justGeorge) tormenting me again. I don't know what it is about that guy, but he enjoys cyberbullying me by giving himself the same name as me (and the same passwords) allowing him to insert random phrases in my posts. Obviously he thinks random is the same as funny. If that were true, then your IQ and my grades on my English papers would be funny. Both of these things are random, but not funny. Only those wise, liberal, and city-born users of heavenly random number generators can understand English apparently. That's OK. I'm not interested in keeping my blog-stupid person free, if I was I would rid myself of justGeorge forever.

(cue evil laugh)

The End